From the desk of the LDGGO Commissioner

The LDGGO Planning Committee is pleased to announce the rules for the
2010 LDGGO. As usual, there will be 3 competitions in this year's
LDGGO: golf, drinking, and eating.

Golf

This year's golf competition will consist of 3 daily competitions and
3 cumulative competitions all leading to an overall Gnome Cup winner.
Each day of play will have a skins game, a net strokes game, and a
gross strokes game. Skins competition will follow standard skins
rules. The net strokes game will tally individual players' total
number of strokes over the 18 hole course net their handicap.
Handicaps for the first round will be determined by the Planning
Committee based players' performance in past LDGGO events. Handicaps
for subsequent rounds will be determined by the Planning Committee
based on the prior day's play and on the current standing of the LDGGO
Chairman in the net strokes competition. The gross strokes game will
tally individual players' total number of strokes over the 18 hole
course with no allowance for handicap. In addition to these daily
competitions, players will vie in a three-day skins, a three-day net
strokes, and a three-day gross strokes competition. Rules for these
cumulative, three-day competitions are the same as for the
corresponding daily competition, except that skins or strokes will be
tallied over the entire three days of play. The winner of each of the
12 competitions will receive 4 points towards the Gnome Cup, second
place will receive 3 Gnome points, third place will receive 2 Gnome
points, and fourth place will receive 1 Gnome point. The individual
with the most overall Gnome points will win the coveted Gnome Cup.

Drinking

In response to a recent ruling by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and
Firearms that prohibits wonton drinking of Scotch aged less than 16
years and in response to repeated protests and petitions by the Master
Brewers Association of the Americas, the LDGGO Planning Committee has
decided to field four drinking competitions this year. The first
competition is the Albert Collins (I'm not Drunk, I'm just Drinking)
Award given the individual who drinks the most beverages (of any kind,
including Pepsi) without becoming intoxicated. The second competition
is the Jimmy Buffet (Boat Drinks) Award given to the individual who
drinks the most clear liquor drinks. The third competition is the Todd
Snider (Beer Run) Award given the individual who drinks the most beer.
The fourth competition is the John Lee Hooker (One Bourbon, One
Scotch, One Beer) Award given to the individual with the most well
rounded drinking portfolio.

Eating

Back by popular demand is the Hooters wing eating competition.
Competitors may consume bone-in wings at Hooters on any night on which
a Hooters is visited. Competitors are responsible for the purchase of
their own wings and may therefore select any flavor of wing sauce they
desire. After each night's gluttony, competitors' bone plates will be
weighed by the attending Hootress. The winner will be the individual
with the greatest total weight in chicken wing bones at the end of
Saturday night. The LDGGO chairman may disqualify any given bone as
insufficiently picked if he feels too much meat has been left. In the
event that no Hooters is visited during the LDGGO, an eating
competition winner will be appointed by the LDGGO chairman.

Other LDGGO News

In other news, the Planning Committee is sad to announce that entry
fees are way down compared to last year. In the latest report received
by the Chairman from the prestigious accounting firm of Brunswick
Plantation, only one LDGGO competitor had payed his entry fee.
Assurances have been received from two other competitors that the fee
will be paid soon, but the Planning Committee will continue to monitor
the situation closely to ensure a successful LDGGO.

From the desk of the LDGGO Commissioner

It has been a busy few weeks for the GGO planning committee. It was
learned recently that Chris Brown's liver is alive and well, living in
Aruba. State and Federal authorities are exploring the possibility of
filing criminal insurance fraud charges against the now disgraced
liver. In light of this news, the GGO planning committee has accepted
the offer of the Last Drop Pub in Edinburgh Scotland to be the title
sponsor of this year's GGO, now officially known as the Last Drop
Great Golf Outing or LDGGO. When asked for comment, last year's
champion Chris Brown said "Well. at least it's more politically
correct than the mentally retarded GGO, but I thought the term was now
special needs, not learning disabled... What? Oh yeah, Last Drop works
well, too."

In other news, the committee continues to look at dates. The current
dates for LDGGO play are set for February 5, 6, and 7. Although this
conflicts with the NFL's Super Bowl, many LDGGO competitors felt that
the historical precedent of playing on that weekend was important to
maintain. Said perennial runner up Randy Harris, "Tradition is
everything at the LDGGO. I mean, without tradition we're just a bunch
of guys going to play golf, drink a lot, and ogle Hootresses. Who wants
to see that?" The planning committee has confirmed the weekend of
February 5-7 with all but one of last year's competitors. When reached
for comment, the lone hold out, Chad Ice, released the following
statement through his agent, "Mr. Ice had no knowledge of or role in
the faking of Chris Brown's liver's death. He denies all allegations
and assures his fans that he is innocent of all charges. It would be
inappropriate to comment any further while the investigation is
ongoing."