Fred Hotline Goes to Davetown

I want to say thank you to my great friend Dave Walker(man) for picking up one of my post and putting it on DaveTown (Or as I like to say, "the blog you should be reading".)


QUALITY FRED HOTLINEThursday, July 28, 2005

My bestest buddy Randy Harris has a blog called The Fred Hotline. It's an extension of a one page flyer he used to publish sporadically when we were in college. It was done in the "glue stick and cut-out clippings" media that is so unfortunately neglected these days (darn kids and their computers; when I was a kid . . .).

He posts random observations, funny spoofs, general wackiness, and lots of pictures from when we were at UNCG in the 1980's (which, if you don't know us, might not be amusing to you, but if you do, it's a source of neverending amusement).Since Megan of "Open Up My Head" wants me to post more, and since it's so early I couldn't possibly be coherent or funny until I've had a few more cups of coffee, I'll just ripoff Randy's post from yesterday. It's worth ripping off, too. It's some of his finest prose. Randy's a poet and a visual artist primarily, but he's also a great writer. He's truly a renaissance man; in addition to his artistic talents, he is an accomplished miniature golfer (winner of many titles, but now retired), and is a black belt as well.

But I digress.Here's some vintage Randy:

Scenes from a Prostate Exam

I had to go for my yearly check-up the other day. I was going to have x-rays and blood work-the whole nine yards. I had to fast for 15 hours before the office visit. That always makes me light-headed.The one thing I was worried about was the needle. All I could think about was the needle. I completely forgot about the "finger".

The PA starts the check up by asking me questions. "Are you dizzy?" she asked. "Yes, I haven't had any thing to eat or drink in 15 hours. Yes, I'm dizzy.""Have you had memory loss?". This one made me laugh. How would I know?

I had a great visit with the doctor. It was great until he had to check my prostate. With all the advances in medical science your telling me the best way to test this is with a finger?

He put on a rubber glove, but I'm pretty sure he left on his class ring. It could have been a Super Bowl ring.He told me to "assume the position". I was thinking, could you remind me what the position is again. I think I blacked out last time. (Maybe I've had memory loss.)

I've got an idea, how about giving me another finger to bite down on. In western movies they always give the cowboy a shot of whiskey and a stick to bite down on. (Ask me now if have blurred vision.)

Assume the position. He says it like it's a yoga class. It's like he's teaching a Kung Fu class. Assume the position-Hidden Finger, Screaming Man.

"I found some hard stool," he said. "Yeah, that's where I keep it." What did he think he was going to find? A rabbit? My car keys? I don't get this much action on Saturday night. Buy me a drink, talk dirty to me or something.

I make jokes about this becauses I'm uncomfortable with the exam, but it's important.Here are a few facts you should know:

Prostate cancer accounts for almost half of all newly diagnosed cancers in men each year in the United States.

This disease is the second most fatal cancer in men, second only to lung cancer.

The risk of developing prostate cancer increases with age and it seldom occurs in men before the age of 50.

To learn more go to: www.prostate.com

Do you see why I love this man (in a manly, heterosexual, completely un-creepy way)?

This post was stolen from the blog you should be reading, www.davetown.blogspot.com

This was a t-shirt design from back in 2002. I wanted to ward off the number eight from my score card or "snowmen" as me and my golfer partners call them. As you can see the snowman is angry and he is sweating. (Because it's too hot to build a snowman.) 

Scenes from a Prostate Exam

I had to go for my yearly check-up the other day. I was going to have x-rays and blood work-the whole nine yards. I had to fast for 15 hours before the office visit. That always makes me light-headed.

The one thing I was worried about was the needle. All I could think about was the needle. I completely forgot about the "finger".

The PA starts the check up by asking me questions. "Are you dizzy?" she asked. "Yes, I haven't had any thing to eat or drink in 15 hours. Yes, I'm dizzy."

"Have you had memory loss?". This one made me laugh. How would I know?

I had a great visit with the doctor. It was great until he had to check my prostate. With all the advances in medical science your telling me the best way to test this is with a finger?

He put on a rubber glove, but I'm pretty sure he left on his class ring. It could have been a Super Bowl ring.

He told me to "assume the position". I was thinking, could you remind me what the position is again. I think I blacked out last time. (Maybe I've had memory loss.)

I've got an idea, how about giving me another finger to bite down on. In western movies they always give the cowboy a shot of whiskey and a stick to bite down on. (Ask me now if have blurred vision.)

Assume the position. He says it like it's a yoga class. It's like he's teaching a Kung Fu class. Assume the position-Hidden Finger, Screaming Man.

"I found some hard stool," he said. "Yeah, that's where I keep it." What did he think he was going to find? A rabbit? My car keys? I don't get this much action on Saturday night. Buy me a drink, talk dirty to me or something.

I make jokes about this becauses I'm uncomfortable with the exam, but it's important.

Here are a few facts you should know:

Prostate cancer accounts for almost half of all newly diagnosed cancers in men each year in the United States.

This disease is the second most fatal cancer in men, second only to lung cancer.

The risk of developing prostate cancer increases with age and it seldom occurs in men before the age of 50.

To learn more go to: www.prostate.com

Jim Melvin Bobble-Head

Could someone please confirm the rumor I heard about last night's Greensboro Grass Hopper's game. I was told that the first 500 fans through the gate received a Jim Melvin bobblehead doll. Is this true? Please let this be true!

One of these guys is a sumo wrestler. 

I Pity These Fools!

I pity the fool that doesn't like this photo of Dave Walkerman holding an ad for bath room tile featuring Mr. T. OK, that was a long way to go for a joke, but what caption would you write?

Dave Walkerman puts unidentified feminist in head lock. Circa May 1989. 

American Idols Live!

Yeah, I went to the American Idols Live show in Greensboro, NC on Sunday, July 17, 2005. Here are just a few of the things I noticed.

There was a large digital sign inside the Greensboro Coliseum Complex reminding patrons that profanity was not allowed in the Coliseum Complex. They should have had this sign in the parking lot. I was using a lot of profanity when I was charged $8.00 to park my car.

Didn't I pay taxes for this place already? When I come to the Super-Flea it only cost $3.00 to park. I know, you need to pay all the high school drop-outs with the orange vests scratching themselves with the flashlights,but $8.00?

If we had a hurricane and I charged $25.00 for a sheet of plywood I could get put in jail, but I guess it's ok to rob concert goers? I have an idea. Only charge me $5.00 and I'll find my own spot. And one more thing, where the hell are all those helpful parking guys and gals when the show is over? I could use their help then.

I liked the part of the show when Nikko said "Are there any lovers in the house tonight?," and the six year-old-girl sitting in front of me jumped up and yelled, "Yeah!"

I heard Clay Aiken and Pamela Anderson were in the crowd. (Not together.)

The Coliseum might want to take that photo of Luther Vandross off its digitial "upcoming events" board. I pretty sure he's not coming.

I went to a KISS concert at the Greensboro Colisem Complex a few years ago and I would like to compare the two events. Here's the "Tale of the Tape".

American Idol Concert vs KISS Concert

Number of fights in women's restroom American Idol 0 KISS 2

Average Age of Concert Patron American Idol 14 KISS 42

Knives Confiscated American Idol 0 KISS 463

Pop-Tart Mascots American Idol 1 KISS 0

Number of visible tattoos American Idol 148 KISS 4537

Number of Patrons following rules
against profanity American Idol 6174 KISS 27

MILFs American Idol 1003 KISS 12

So, there it is a side by side comparison of the two events.

Rockin' the Vote!

Randy Harris is seen here attemping to help the Mayor of Greensboro, Keith A. Hollida, Rock the Vote! (Keith did put down his beer before this photo was taken.)

unidentified feminist finds that there's no place like home

unidentified feminist tapped heels together and returned home.

unidentified feminist getting dunked for the kids

"Explain to me again how this helps burn victims and retarded kids?"

unidentified feminist

unidentified feminist

More Tales from the Ribfest

Today is the final day of Rubfest (not a typo, all hail the dunking booth).

I'm not sure if this has made the papers or not, but apparently, this year is considered quite a success by the Jaycees, due to less heat stroke cases than the past two years.

So, come see us at Thiggy's Piggy. If you pass out from heat stroke while in our line, we'll give your date a free rack of ribs to enjoy while the paramedics are hauling you off.

Thiggy's Piggy...This Baby's Got Back...

Mike Davis

DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME!!!!

DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME!!!

Skredlow

"Yes, Officer he's the one we saw streaking. After that we saw him take a crap in that pizza box and then he threw it at Mary Foust. I think he calls himself-Skredlow. No I'm not sure of the spelling."

Mike Davis Reporting from the Greensboro Jaycee Ribfest

Okay, maybe save the pigs is not the right title for this email...but, "and then the wheels fell off" seemed a bit demoralizing.

Many of you over the years have pointed out that Alan Thigpen is not right...Normally, I agree with anyone who feels that they need to point this out. However, this weekend Alan is right.

Due to some injustice heaped upon Catering Carolina by the BBQ Gods, our piglet company Thiggy's Piggy is really hard to find this weekend. I realize some of you probably did not even realize, up until this moment (of your reading, not my typing), that the holiday of RibFest is upon us. You, especially, would have a hard time locating us. RibFest is this weekend in the Jaycee Office parking lot. As you enter the parking lot, the slope of the lot, the earth's gravitational pull, and the bright colors of the "professional" ribbers, pull you to the left, and the sadly inferior ribs of some poor anorexic pigs. But, if you turn to the right, climb up hill, and battle the blasting of the speakers from the coliseum's sound stage, you will see a giant pink pig...assuming our homemade sign makes it through the weekend...I'm afraid we may have created world's largest kite. And there you will find Thiggy's Piggy, whose Baby Back Ribs, BBQ Chicken, and chopped BBQ were voted unanimously by Alan's staff and family as the "Best Darn BBQ Ever to Be Served In The Upper Right Hand Quadrant of The Jaycee Office Parking Lot...In July...In a Tent...So Far". This is an award we're damn proud of, and feel very comfortable giving ourselves and accepting.

So do the right thing...turn right...look for Thiggy's Piggy. We may not have the trophies and plaques and accolades of the other ribbers who are there, but we have a 6,000 sq ft kitchen right down the street where we prepare our food fresh daily, while they all hail from Texas or Danville or some other place where they don't know poop about BBQ or health codes. (Disclaimer: I'm not insinuating that you may get sick eating at another ribbers...I'm just saying that I guarantee that we keep our mayonnaise, chicken, etc.in big refrigerators...)

Tell your family and friends, this is something they have to come witness...like an eclipse, or Haley's Comet. This weekend Alan Thigpen is right.

***Bring this email, or wear a funny hat and receive a free order of hush puppies with your purchase. Shameless offer good only at Thiggy's Piggy.

Thiggy's Piggy. We'll serve no pig before its time.

Mike Davis

Christmas In July

And then Santa showed up and ruined the whole damn picnic. It's July for crying out loud, take off the suit. Do you have any idea want that's going to smell like come December?

If Elvis were alive today, he would be doing two shows a day in Ashboro. 

Yeah, I went to Star Trek-The Experience in Vegas and It was great. 

I hear that the third trimester is the worst. 

Jaycee TV Poster 

I call this art. My wife calls this crap. I told her I was going to sell it on ebay and she said "I dare you". The truth is I don't like dealing with the Euro and I'm sure a piece like this would get a lot of bids from overseas and Japan. 

You want proof? Here's your proof! 

I love '80's hair. Bring back the hairstyles of the 1980's!