Happy New Year from the Fred Hotline

Randy Harris, Will Plyler and Kevin von der Lippe pose for a photo after watching the NC State game at the Village Tavern.

2011 BDWSGGO Rules Announced

Golf

Following last year's successful competition, this year's golf
competition will consist of 3 daily competitions and 3 cumulative
competitions all leading to an overall Gnome Cup winner. Each day of
play will have a skins game, a net strokes game, and a gross strokes
game. Skins competition will follow standard skins rules. The net
strokes game will tally individual players' total number of strokes
over the 18 hole course net their handicap. Handicaps for the first
round will be determined by the Planning Committee based players'
performance in past BDWSGGO events. Handicaps for subsequent rounds
will be determined by the Planning Committee based on the prior day's
play using a top secret weighting scheme that will be released on
Wikileaks three days after completion of the BDWSGGO. The gross
strokes game will tally individual players' total number of strokes
over the 18 hole course with no allowance for handicap. In addition to
these daily competitions, players will vie in a three-day skins, a
three-day net strokes, and a three-day gross strokes competition.
Rules for these cumulative, three-day competitions are the same as for
the corresponding daily competitions, except that skins or strokes
will be tallied over the entire three days of play. The winner of
each of the 12 competitions will receive 4 points towards the Gnome
Cup, second place will receive 3 Gnome points, third place will
receive 2 Gnome points, and fourth place will receive 1 Gnome point.
The individual with the most overall Gnome points will win the coveted
Gnome Cup. The player with the lowest Gnome point total will receive
the custom made loser plaque. Bonus points will be awarded to any
player who actually understands the rules and can calculate an
accurate Gnome point total for all players.


Eating

Back by popular demand is the Hooters wing eating competition.
Competitors may consume bone-in wings at Hooters on any night on which
a Hooters is visited. Competitors are responsible for the purchase of
their own wings and may therefore select any flavor of wing sauce they
desire. After each night's gluttony, competitors' bone plates will be
weighed by the attending Hootress. The winner will be the individual
with the greatest total weight in chicken wing bones at the end of
Saturday night. The BDWSGGO chairman may disqualify any given bone as
insufficiently picked if he feels too much meat has been left. In the
event that no Hooters is visited during the BDWSGGO, a wing eating
competition winner will be appointed by the BDWSGGO chairman. In
addition to the wing eating contest, a fried seafood contest will also
be held. This contest will be held on the night that the group visits
a seafood restaurant. Competitors will order, at their own expense,
plates of fried shrimp. The individual who consumes the most plates of
fried shrimp will be the winner. Ties in both competitions will be
broken by having competitors will run laps around the restaurant. The
last competitor to puke will win. Winners of the eating competitions
receive a free Pepcid, while losers must smell Randy's hat. If a
losing competitor pukes in Randy's hat, they must buy Randy a new hat
that fits and smoke a grape Swisher Sweet.

Drinking

The BDWSGGO will feature two drinking competitions this year. The
first marks a return to the Royal and Ancient Drinking Rules.
Commentators world wide remarked that last year's drinking competition
was, in the words of deceased Scotch whiskey expert Michael Jackson,
"Sucky." To appease critics, the BDWSGGO planning committee has
decided to return to the Royal and Ancient Rules of whiskey drinking.
Only whiskey consumed on course will count towards drinking totals.
The winner gets to pass out without fear of having his face drawn on
with a Sharpie, while losers will have have to smell Randy's hat.

The second drinking competition is being sponsored by Ketel One Vodka
and is a stump the bartender contest. Competitors order drinks from
any drinking establishment visited by the group. If the bartender
cannot successfully produce the drink without consulting a reference,
the competitor earns a point. If the bartender produces said drink,
the competitor must drink it or lose a point. Points cannot be earned
simply because the bartender does not have a necessary ingredient and
each drink can only be ordered once during the 3-day BDWSGGO. Girlie
drinks do not count. Girlie drinks are any drink that comes with an
umbrella, any drink made with rum (unless Hemingway drank it), and any
drink deemed girlie by the BDWSGGO designated driver. The winner of
the stump the bartender contest is the contestant with the most points
on Sunday morning and wins a free piece of dry white toast.

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2010 Crime Stoppers Golf Tournament

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Dave Walker(man) Clearly Needs to Pay Me $1,000,000

Dear Dave Walker(man),
I am contacting you today in order to collect on a debt. Back in 1986 you wrote me an I.O.U for one million dollars. I would like it now please. I could really use the money. Among other things, I am seeing a therapist for my hoarding problem. (Who else keeps a post-a-note for 24 years?)

I realize that the I.O.U. was written under duress. I had stolen your teddy bear and refused to return it unless you paid me the sum of one million dollars. I am sure by now the statute of limitations has worn off on that crime. (To be completely honest I’m not sure it’s a crime to kidnap a teddy bear anyway.) But in the interest of being fair I am willing to forfeit any interest on the money and you can just make it an even million.

Thanks for your attention to this matter.
Randy Harris

2010 Hooters Swimsuit Contest

W & H Turtle Petting Farm Grand Opening set for Summer of 2010

W & H Turtle Petting Farm is conveniently located in Gibsonville, North Carolina and is a perfect setting for people of all ages to learn about turtles. Come join us for a fun-filled day. Pet our turtles, including our many rare breeds, and enjoy a hayride. Walk down to our beautiful pond and stroll around our 15 acres of open pasture and see turtles in their natural habitat.

The W & H Turtle Petting Farm, opening in the summer of 2010, is a living symbol of our appreciation and commitment to the turtle industry and to the values evident on a traditional turtle farm. The site serves as an historic tribute to the turtle petting past in the Gibsonville area.

Jerry Ferrara who plays Salvatore “Turtle” Assante on HBO’s hit show Entourage has been contacted to be on hand for the WHTPF grand opening. (He has not responded to these request.) We want to thank you, our visitors, who contribute to our operating budget. Your continued generous support allows us to present this unique opportunity to the community.