Fred Hotline

Venn diagram

2012-02-14T20:10:00.001-08:00

Venn diagram "All bongo music is good music"

Capt. Sea Man's

2012-02-12T19:08:00.000-08:00

Things I learned about at Hooters-Orienteering

2012-01-28T10:04:00.000-08:00

Orienteering

is a family of sports that requires navigational skills using a map and compass to navigate from point to point in diverse and usually unfamiliar terrain, and normally moving at speed. Participants are given a topographical map, usually a specially prepared orienteering map, which they use to find control points. Originally a training exercise in land navigation for military officers, orienteering has developed many variations. The oldest and the most popular is foot orienteering. Foot orienteering serves as a point of departure for discussion of all other variations, but basically any sport that involves racing against a clock and requires navigation using a map is a type of orienteering.

What some people will do to get into the Fred Hotline

2012-01-21T19:33:00.000-08:00

untitled

2012-01-21T19:29:00.000-08:00

Hooters

2012-01-17T15:50:00.000-08:00

This is the first time I've been to Hooters this year. Whoever does the hiring at the Raleigh Airport Hooters has a "type".

Friday's Reunion Show at Somewhere Else Tavern

2011-12-31T07:27:00.000-08:00

Three Hearts (No. 2)

2011-12-29T19:12:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas from the Fred Hotline

2011-12-24T04:38:00.000-08:00

Bachelorette Party Cake

2011-11-26T03:59:00.000-08:00

Before you go judging me about this photo I want you to keep a few things in mind. This cake was made by a woman, for a woman, to celebrate the most special day in her life. What disturbs me that most about this Bachelorette party cake is the attention to detail. Ladies copy and paste this photo now, because I’m probably going to feel bad about posting it and I’ll remove it soon.

2011-11-21T15:20:00.000-08:00

Masquerade at the Weatherspoon Art Museum

2011-10-28T20:56:00.000-07:00

Ron at the Turtle Farm

2011-10-28T05:17:00.000-07:00

Geico Trophy

2011-10-22T19:51:00.000-07:00

Randy is holding the coveted Geico trophy at the 2009 Wyndham Championship.

Occupy Greensboro

2011-10-16T07:40:00.000-07:00

2011-10-12T19:41:00.000-07:00

Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.” –Josephine Hart

Guilford Hall Postcard

2011-10-11T19:05:00.000-07:00

2011 World Beer Fest

2011-10-09T19:22:00.000-07:00

white noise room

2011-10-02T16:06:00.000-07:00

white noise room

2011-10-02T08:39:00.000-07:00

The Serenity Prayer

2011-09-17T09:41:00.000-07:00

During my brother’s recent hospitalization my family was visited by many people. A few of those folks were volunteer chaplains. We found them to offer little in the form of updates on my brother’s condition, but they all seemed sincere in their concern for our family, so we allowed them to sit with us and share whatever it was they felt like sharing. One of the gentlemen told us stories about high school football and that his favorite Bible verse was The Serenity Prayer. My Christian school teaching sister shot me a look as we both continued listening to the volunteer. We both knew that prayer does not appear in the good book. It was written by Reinhold Niebuhr or was it? http://www.yalealumnimagazine.com/issues/2008_07/serenity.html

2011 Summer Carnevale

2011-09-02T18:04:00.000-07:00

2011 Summer Carnevale

2011-08-28T16:31:00.000-07:00

This is the end of the world

2011-08-24T15:21:00.000-07:00

2011 Wyndham Championship

2011-08-22T15:42:00.000-07:00

2011 Wyndham Championship winner Webb Simpson with his wife Dowd at the Sam Snead throphy presentation.

Olafur Loftsson

2011-08-21T19:07:00.000-07:00

The first player from Iceland to participate in a PGA TOUR event, Olafur Loftsson is seen here with Randy Harris in the Pro Shop at the Wyndham Championship. Loftsson was a sponsor exemption having won The Cardinal Amateur.

Anna and Randy

2011-08-17T16:15:00.000-07:00

Anna and Randy sharing a quiet moment at this year's Wyndham Championship.

A Male Fairy Tale

2011-08-11T15:49:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!! "

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-tittied broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and never dealt wih PMS or menopause and played poker and drove a Porsche and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam, chips, and beans and blew enormous farts and watched sports 24/7 and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was friggin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end.

Bikinis in Charlotte

2011-07-30T12:41:00.000-07:00

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2011-07-29T20:26:00.000-07:00

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2011-07-29T20:23:00.000-07:00

Gorilla Americana

2011-07-08T19:15:00.000-07:00

It is simply incorrect to characterize Gorilla Americana as a rejection of the fine art print. It is not a rejection at all. This style accepts the concept, the need in this world for the fine art print; it rejects the notion that is the only final state in which an image can reside.

The fine art print represents a destination-perhaps one an artist is never intended to reach. Much the same way a carrot might be put at the end of a stick in order to motivate an animal into moving forward. The concept of the fine art print keeps the artist moving forward into a kind of madness that one stumbles into after years of reaching for brass rings or carrots.

Gorilla Americana is more about the ride. We release not only the shutter when we mash the button, but part of ourselves as well. It seems to be more about sharing than keeping.

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2011-07-05T19:10:00.000-07:00

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2011-07-05T19:05:00.000-07:00

Wilmington

2011-07-03T15:59:00.000-07:00

Dave Walker(man) at the "Rock"

2011-07-02T05:52:00.000-07:00

Scenes from UNCG

2011-07-02T05:48:00.000-07:00

It's a picture of that thing at that place.

2011-05-29T12:11:00.000-07:00

Just once I'd like to find a dead body

2011-05-29T11:19:00.000-07:00

I have always thought that it would be cool to find a dead body. What a great conversation starter that would be. Someone would ask, “What did you do today?” and I would say “I went to work, I bought some groceries and oh yeah I found a dead body."

I can image myself at a dinner party just waiting to spring this on the group. I’d listen patiently while the other party goers told stories about their trip to France or how their smart, well adjusted children are performing on the softball team and then I’d hit them with it. I just say “I found a dead body” and nothing more. I’d make them ask me questions and then punish the ones that ask yes or no questions by simply answering yes or no.

Who am I fooling? By the time I got to the party everyone would have already seen the news in the paper or on television. You can’t hide a story like this. The headlines would read “Local man discovers body” as if I got to the site by boat. I discovered it the same way Columbus discovered America-by accident. How do you discover a place where people are already living? Someone knew the body was there the whole time. So, I’ll stick to saying I found the body. Found as in an Easter egg that a parent had hidden a half an hour ago. It’s more like hide and seek than discovery if you think about it.

It turns out that only active people ever find these bodies. The reports are always talking about a jogger or a hiker that finds them. You’ve never heard a news report about a guy sitting on his couch that looked out the window only to discover a dead body.

I shoot all my group shots in the air.

2011-05-22T07:14:00.000-07:00

Breezy

2011-05-22T07:07:00.000-07:00

What's on ebay? Six Million Dollar Man

2011-05-22T06:59:00.000-07:00

Up for aucition, Steve Austin first edition action figure with engine block. Steve's joints are all stiff (like new),Hair is like new,bionic power lift arm (which has both bionic modules) and bionic eye all work,just missing rubber arm skin. Shirt and pants have nice color and,nice emblem,just three small holes on shirt sleeve and small rip at red power button. (The rubber arm skin was the best part of this toy.)

2011 Hooters of Greensboro Swimsuit Contest

2011-05-18T20:39:00.000-07:00

Recent Image

2011-04-03T16:43:00.000-07:00

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2011-04-03T16:37:00.000-07:00

Hooters Tattoo

2011-03-31T18:56:00.000-07:00

Drive East

2011-03-26T17:16:00.000-07:00

Scenes from the 2011 BDWSGGO

2011-03-20T06:18:00.000-07:00

NEVER PUT YOUR ARM IN THE WATER TO RETRIEVE A GOLFBALL

2011-03-18T19:46:00.000-07:00

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2011-01-22T05:27:00.000-08:00

This one is called "The long drive home after a bad day at work."

2011-01-15T05:58:00.000-08:00

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2011-01-01T20:01:00.000-08:00

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2011-01-01T19:58:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year from the Fred Hotline

2010-12-29T05:25:00.000-08:00

Randy Harris, Will Plyler and Kevin von der Lippe pose for a photo after watching the NC State game at the Village Tavern.

2011 BDWSGGO Rules Announced

2010-12-11T06:13:00.000-08:00

Golf

Following last year's successful competition, this year's golf
competition will consist of 3 daily competitions and 3 cumulative
competitions all leading to an overall Gnome Cup winner. Each day of
play will have a skins game, a net strokes game, and a gross strokes
game. Skins competition will follow standard skins rules. The net
strokes game will tally individual players' total number of strokes
over the 18 hole course net their handicap. Handicaps for the first
round will be determined by the Planning Committee based players'
performance in past BDWSGGO events. Handicaps for subsequent rounds
will be determined by the Planning Committee based on the prior day's
play using a top secret weighting scheme that will be released on
Wikileaks three days after completion of the BDWSGGO. The gross
strokes game will tally individual players' total number of strokes
over the 18 hole course with no allowance for handicap. In addition to
these daily competitions, players will vie in a three-day skins, a
three-day net strokes, and a three-day gross strokes competition.
Rules for these cumulative, three-day competitions are the same as for
the corresponding daily competitions, except that skins or strokes
will be tallied over the entire three days of play. The winner of
each of the 12 competitions will receive 4 points towards the Gnome
Cup, second place will receive 3 Gnome points, third place will
receive 2 Gnome points, and fourth place will receive 1 Gnome point.
The individual with the most overall Gnome points will win the coveted
Gnome Cup. The player with the lowest Gnome point total will receive
the custom made loser plaque. Bonus points will be awarded to any
player who actually understands the rules and can calculate an
accurate Gnome point total for all players.

Eating

Back by popular demand is the Hooters wing eating competition.
Competitors may consume bone-in wings at Hooters on any night on which
a Hooters is visited. Competitors are responsible for the purchase of
their own wings and may therefore select any flavor of wing sauce they
desire. After each night's gluttony, competitors' bone plates will be
weighed by the attending Hootress. The winner will be the individual
with the greatest total weight in chicken wing bones at the end of
Saturday night. The BDWSGGO chairman may disqualify any given bone as
insufficiently picked if he feels too much meat has been left. In the
event that no Hooters is visited during the BDWSGGO, a wing eating
competition winner will be appointed by the BDWSGGO chairman. In
addition to the wing eating contest, a fried seafood contest will also
be held. This contest will be held on the night that the group visits
a seafood restaurant. Competitors will order, at their own expense,
plates of fried shrimp. The individual who consumes the most plates of
fried shrimp will be the winner. Ties in both competitions will be
broken by having competitors will run laps around the restaurant. The
last competitor to puke will win. Winners of the eating competitions
receive a free Pepcid, while losers must smell Randy's hat. If a
losing competitor pukes in Randy's hat, they must buy Randy a new hat
that fits and smoke a grape Swisher Sweet.

Drinking

The BDWSGGO will feature two drinking competitions this year. The
first marks a return to the Royal and Ancient Drinking Rules.
Commentators world wide remarked that last year's drinking competition
was, in the words of deceased Scotch whiskey expert Michael Jackson,
"Sucky." To appease critics, the BDWSGGO planning committee has
decided to return to the Royal and Ancient Rules of whiskey drinking.
Only whiskey consumed on course will count towards drinking totals.
The winner gets to pass out without fear of having his face drawn on
with a Sharpie, while losers will have have to smell Randy's hat.

The second drinking competition is being sponsored by Ketel One Vodka
and is a stump the bartender contest. Competitors order drinks from
any drinking establishment visited by the group. If the bartender
cannot successfully produce the drink without consulting a reference,
the competitor earns a point. If the bartender produces said drink,
the competitor must drink it or lose a point. Points cannot be earned
simply because the bartender does not have a necessary ingredient and
each drink can only be ordered once during the 3-day BDWSGGO. Girlie
drinks do not count. Girlie drinks are any drink that comes with an
umbrella, any drink made with rum (unless Hemingway drank it), and any
drink deemed girlie by the BDWSGGO designated driver. The winner of
the stump the bartender contest is the contestant with the most points
on Sunday morning and wins a free piece of dry white toast.

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2010-12-11T06:05:00.000-08:00

recent images (taken by a six-year-old)

2010-12-09T21:14:00.000-08:00

2010-10-24T13:43:00.000-07:00

2010-10-09T05:10:00.000-07:00

Nun vs Alien 2

2010-10-08T22:41:00.000-07:00

"Yes. it's number 2. Which means we did this more than once."

2010-10-02T11:35:00.000-07:00

I got a call from one of my reader(s). He said "Less art and more car wash."

2010-09-06T07:13:00.000-07:00

Vintage Fred Hotlines

2010-09-04T19:25:00.000-07:00

Hooters Car Wash

2010-08-08T06:04:00.000-07:00

I have a new happy place

2010-08-05T18:51:00.000-07:00

2010 Crime Stoppers Golf Tournament

2010-08-04T18:50:00.000-07:00

2010 Crime Stoppers Golf Tournament

2010-08-02T14:42:00.000-07:00

It's a bull, not a bunny.

2010-08-02T14:39:00.000-07:00

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2010-06-29T12:37:00.000-07:00

found art

2010-06-19T07:22:00.000-07:00

Dave Walker(man) Clearly Needs to Pay Me $1,000,000

2010-05-29T14:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Dave Walker(man),
I am contacting you today in order to collect on a debt. Back in 1986 you wrote me an I.O.U for one million dollars. I would like it now please. I could really use the money. Among other things, I am seeing a therapist for my hoarding problem. (Who else keeps a post-a-note for 24 years?)

I realize that the I.O.U. was written under duress. I had stolen your teddy bear and refused to return it unless you paid me the sum of one million dollars. I am sure by now the statute of limitations has worn off on that crime. (To be completely honest I’m not sure it’s a crime to kidnap a teddy bear anyway.) But in the interest of being fair I am willing to forfeit any interest on the money and you can just make it an even million.

Thanks for your attention to this matter.
Randy Harris

2010 Hooters Swimsuit Contest

2010-05-25T16:03:00.000-07:00

W & H Turtle Petting Farm Grand Opening set for Summer of 2010

2010-05-22T13:34:00.000-07:00

W & H Turtle Petting Farm is conveniently located in Gibsonville, North Carolina and is a perfect setting for people of all ages to learn about turtles. Come join us for a fun-filled day. Pet our turtles, including our many rare breeds, and enjoy a hayride. Walk down to our beautiful pond and stroll around our 15 acres of open pasture and see turtles in their natural habitat.

The W & H Turtle Petting Farm, opening in the summer of 2010, is a living symbol of our appreciation and commitment to the turtle industry and to the values evident on a traditional turtle farm. The site serves as an historic tribute to the turtle petting past in the Gibsonville area.

Jerry Ferrara who plays Salvatore “Turtle” Assante on HBO’s hit show Entourage has been contacted to be on hand for the WHTPF grand opening. (He has not responded to these request.) We want to thank you, our visitors, who contribute to our operating budget. Your continued generous support allows us to present this unique opportunity to the community.

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2010-05-02T19:34:00.000-07:00

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2010-05-02T04:44:00.000-07:00

2010 Washington, D.C. Trip

2010-03-24T08:15:00.001-07:00

2010 Great Golf Outing

2010-02-07T20:03:00.000-08:00

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2010-02-03T19:13:00.000-08:00

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2010-01-27T19:28:00.000-08:00

You are what you eat

2010-01-19T19:32:00.000-08:00

Recent Images

2010-01-19T19:24:00.000-08:00

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2010-01-07T19:26:00.000-08:00

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2009-12-16T19:59:00.000-08:00

Guilford Hall-Birth Place of the Fred Hotline

2009-12-13T20:33:00.000-08:00

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2009-12-12T18:11:00.000-08:00

From the desk of the LDGGO Commissioner

2009-12-10T20:25:00.000-08:00

The LDGGO Planning Committee is pleased to announce the rules for the
2010 LDGGO. As usual, there will be 3 competitions in this year's
LDGGO: golf, drinking, and eating.

Golf

This year's golf competition will consist of 3 daily competitions and
3 cumulative competitions all leading to an overall Gnome Cup winner.
Each day of play will have a skins game, a net strokes game, and a
gross strokes game. Skins competition will follow standard skins
rules. The net strokes game will tally individual players' total
number of strokes over the 18 hole course net their handicap.
Handicaps for the first round will be determined by the Planning
Committee based players' performance in past LDGGO events. Handicaps
for subsequent rounds will be determined by the Planning Committee
based on the prior day's play and on the current standing of the LDGGO
Chairman in the net strokes competition. The gross strokes game will
tally individual players' total number of strokes over the 18 hole
course with no allowance for handicap. In addition to these daily
competitions, players will vie in a three-day skins, a three-day net
strokes, and a three-day gross strokes competition. Rules for these
cumulative, three-day competitions are the same as for the
corresponding daily competition, except that skins or strokes will be
tallied over the entire three days of play. The winner of each of the
12 competitions will receive 4 points towards the Gnome Cup, second
place will receive 3 Gnome points, third place will receive 2 Gnome
points, and fourth place will receive 1 Gnome point. The individual
with the most overall Gnome points will win the coveted Gnome Cup.

Drinking

In response to a recent ruling by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and
Firearms that prohibits wonton drinking of Scotch aged less than 16
years and in response to repeated protests and petitions by the Master
Brewers Association of the Americas, the LDGGO Planning Committee has
decided to field four drinking competitions this year. The first
competition is the Albert Collins (I'm not Drunk, I'm just Drinking)
Award given the individual who drinks the most beverages (of any kind,
including Pepsi) without becoming intoxicated. The second competition
is the Jimmy Buffet (Boat Drinks) Award given to the individual who
drinks the most clear liquor drinks. The third competition is the Todd
Snider (Beer Run) Award given the individual who drinks the most beer.
The fourth competition is the John Lee Hooker (One Bourbon, One
Scotch, One Beer) Award given to the individual with the most well
rounded drinking portfolio.

Eating

Back by popular demand is the Hooters wing eating competition.
Competitors may consume bone-in wings at Hooters on any night on which
a Hooters is visited. Competitors are responsible for the purchase of
their own wings and may therefore select any flavor of wing sauce they
desire. After each night's gluttony, competitors' bone plates will be
weighed by the attending Hootress. The winner will be the individual
with the greatest total weight in chicken wing bones at the end of
Saturday night. The LDGGO chairman may disqualify any given bone as
insufficiently picked if he feels too much meat has been left. In the
event that no Hooters is visited during the LDGGO, an eating
competition winner will be appointed by the LDGGO chairman.

Other LDGGO News

In other news, the Planning Committee is sad to announce that entry
fees are way down compared to last year. In the latest report received
by the Chairman from the prestigious accounting firm of Brunswick
Plantation, only one LDGGO competitor had payed his entry fee.
Assurances have been received from two other competitors that the fee
will be paid soon, but the Planning Committee will continue to monitor
the situation closely to ensure a successful LDGGO.

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2009-11-29T16:19:00.000-08:00

What's Mark Hamill doing today?

2009-11-28T20:07:00.000-08:00

I had dinner with Kevin von der Lippe and his wife Laura on Saturday night. As I was driving over to his house in B.F.E I was putting the Star Wars movies in order-favorite to least favorite. As usually I settled on Episode IV as my favorite, follow by Episode V as a close second.

I did not mention this mind game to Kevin when I got to his house, so you can image how surprised I was when he put Return of the Jedi into the DVD player. (Fifth on my list.) The three of us watched the show making comments about acting and outdated special effects. At one point we came up with a couple of questions we could not answer one was: "What's Mark Hamill doing today?" Thanks to the Internet we now have an answer. Enjoy

• Night Gallery Episode: There Aren't Any More McBanes (1972) (messenger boy)
• Wizards (1977) (voice) Sean
• Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (1977) as Luke Skywalker
• Corvette Summer (1978)
• The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)
• Sam Fuller and the Big Red One (1979) (documentary)
• Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980) as Luke Skywalker
• The Big Red One (1980)
• The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia (1981)
• Britannia Hospital (1982)
• Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi (1983) as Luke Skywalker
• Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind (1984) (voice in 2005 English dub) Mayor of Pejite
• Castle in the Sky (1986) (voice in 1998 English dub) Muska
• Slipstream (1989)
• Fall of the Eagles (1989)
• Midnight Ride (1990)
• The Guyver (1991)
• Black Magic Woman (1991)
• Sleepwalkers (1992)
• Time Runner (1993)
• Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993) (voice) as The Joker
• Spiderman: The Animated Series (1994) (voice) as Hobgoblin
• Silk Degrees (1994)
• The Raffle (1994)
• Earth Angel (1991)
• Full Throttle (1995)
• Village of the Damned (1995)
• Space Ghost Coast to Coast (1997) (himself)
• Laserhawk (1997)
• Hamilton (1998)
• Watchers Reborn (1998)
• Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island (1998) (voice) (direct-to-video) Snakebite Skrubbs
• Just Shoot Me! Episode: "The List" (1998) (Himself)
• Gen¹³ (1999) (voice) (direct-to-video) Matthew "Threshold" Callahan
• Wing Commander (1999) (voice)
• Walking Across Egypt (1999)
• Sinbad: Beyond the Veil of Mists (2000) (voice)
• Scooby-Doo and the Alien Invaders (2000) (voice) (direct-to-video)
• Joseph: King of Dreams (2000) (voice) (direct-to-video)
• Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker (voice) (direct-to-video) as The Joker
• Thank You, Good Night (2001)
• Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001)
• Time Squad (2001) (voice)
• Earth Day (2001) (short subject) (voice)
• Soldier of Fortune II: Double Helix (voice)
• Balto II: Wolf Quest (2002) (voice) (direct-to-video)
• Grandia Xtreme (2002) voice: Colonel Kroitz (English VA)
• Birds of Prey (2002)- The Joker (voice)
• Aero-Troopers: The Nemeclous Crusade (2003) (voice of Older Joshua) (direct-to-DVD)
• Danger Rangers (2005) voice: Burt
• Dark Chronicle (2003) voice: Griffon
• The Wrong Coast (2003) voice: Jameson Burkwright
• X2: Wolverine's Revenge (2003) (voice) Wolverine
• Reeseville (2003)
• Stripperella (2003) (voice) Dr. Caesarian
• Comic Book: The Movie (2004) (also director)
• Repetition (2005)
• Avatar: The Last Airbender (2005) voice of Fire Lord Ozai
• Robot Chicken (2005-present)(voice) as Luke Skywalker, The Joker, other voices
• Thru the Moebius Strip (2005) (voice)
• Ultimate Avengers 2 (2006) (voice)
• Tom and Jerry: Shiver Me Whiskers (2006) (voice) (direct-to-DVD)
• Robotech: The Shadow Chronicles (2006) (voice)
• Metalocalypse (2006) (voice) Senator Stampingston, Mr. Selatcia, Jean-Pierre, additional voices
• Battle for Terra (2007) (voice)
• Danny Phantom (2007) voice of Undergrowth
• My Friends Tigger & Pooh (2007) (voice)
• Robot Chicken: Star Wars (2007) (voice) (TV special) as Luke Skywalker
• Futurama: Bender's Big Score (2007) (voice) (direct-to-DVD)
• Tasty Time With ZeFronk (2008) (voice)
• The Legend of Spyro: Dawn of the Dragon (2008) (voice) as Malefor
• Afro Samurai: Resurrection (2009) (voice)
• Batman: Arkham Asylum (2009) (voice) as The Joker/Scarface
• The Super Hero Squad Show (2009)(voice) as Red Skull, Chthon, Forge
• Transformers 3 (2011) (voice) as Starscream
• Robotech (2012)

Dollar Store Aficionado

2009-11-26T19:41:00.000-08:00

I made the mistake of going to my local dollar store on a Saturday evening. I thought that I’d slip in and buy a few paper products, some soap, and maybe a new shower curtain. I also planned to look in their CD bin and see if there was anything worth adding to my IPod.

The store was crowded. I should have known better than to go into the store in the first place, but I had abanded my couch and to return now without a bag of paper towels and toilet paper would be admitting defeat to home furnishing and I was not prepared to do that.

There were small, unattended children running throughout the store. I tell myself that I need to put up with this as payment for all the saving I was about to receive. I dodge each of these children, being mindful of their personal space while realizing they had no concept of mine. I stepped around them carefully and politely, not so much for their benefit, but as more of a show for any parents watching from afar. At times like these I imagine myself in a court of law explaining the way in which I stepped around the child. “It’s not my fault he started crying”, I explain.

Children are sticky. They touch everything. Forget about rats spreading the plague, little unattended children in the grocery store will be our undoing. I once stood in a line in which there were four grocery carts in front of me. Two of these carts were miniature grocery carts with little flags that read “Customer in Training.” We have people in this country that don’t want the president addressing their children in the classroom, for fear of indoctrination, but their ok with the Food Loin making them into mindless shopping machines. While in this line I witnessed these two children, each of which had exactly one box of cereal in their tiny cart, touch every single piece of candy on display. For good measure one of these children sneezed all over the candy section. Much like the chapter on personal space these children had not gotten to the point in the lesson plan where we cover our month when we sneeze.

So I’m in the line at the dollar store and the mother of three of the children that have been running in the store is standing in front of me. She is wearing a tube top and I guess you call them “booty shorts”. Every TV show I watch tells me not to try this at home. There is a warning label on my mattress, pillow, and there is one of the plastic shower curtain I am about to buy reminding me that it is not a toy. I guessing “booty shorts” don’t come with a warning label. I know for a fact that my mother never worn a pair of shorts like that.

“I’m fixing to get up out of her,”(Yes, she said her.) the woman said right before she began calling for her children. “Tyrone, Aliyah and Aficionado get up her.” The children quickly made their way to the line each with toys to be purchased. I understand from listening to Aliyah that they had each been instructed to find one item they could buy. Aliyah had selected a clear plastic flute. I had an image of her one day being classically trained and performing in a large music hall and thinking I was there when it all began. Her mother took one look at it and said “what the hell are you going to do with that?”

Aficionado on the other hand was torn between two options. One was a stuffed penguin wearing a bowtie and the other was a plastic Spider Man with a parachute. He wasn’t sure which one he wanted. I was thinking penguin, kid. There will be days when that stuffed animal is the only friend you have. A plastic Spider Man with a parachute is just hours of disappointment waiting to happen.

LDGGO Dates Set

2009-11-25T19:09:00.000-08:00

The LDGGO Planning Committee is pleased to announce the final dates and course selection for the 2010 LDGGO. This year's tournament will played February 5, 6, and 7 2010. Competitors should make arrangements to arrive at Brunswick Villas on the evening of Thursday, February 4, 2010. Although the Committee originally tried to coordinate this year's tournament to avoid a conflict with the NFL's Super Bowl event, the two bodies could not come to a final agreement and so once again this year the two events will conflict.

When asked for comment, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said, "We tried hard to accommodate the LDGGO, but sadly we could not rearrange our dates because I had already paid a deposit on my hotel room." Last year's Super Bowl was marred when several coaches and competitors arrived late because they had watched the entire final round of the LDGGO. To avoid similar problems this year, Miami's Dolphin Stadium will broadcast the final round of the LDGGO on its Jumbotron.

Recent Images

2009-11-22T19:50:00.000-08:00

From the desk of the LDGGO Commissioner

2009-11-14T11:56:00.000-08:00

It has been a busy few weeks for the GGO planning committee. It was
learned recently that Chris Brown's liver is alive and well, living in
Aruba. State and Federal authorities are exploring the possibility of
filing criminal insurance fraud charges against the now disgraced
liver. In light of this news, the GGO planning committee has accepted
the offer of the Last Drop Pub in Edinburgh Scotland to be the title
sponsor of this year's GGO, now officially known as the Last Drop
Great Golf Outing or LDGGO. When asked for comment, last year's
champion Chris Brown said "Well. at least it's more politically
correct than the mentally retarded GGO, but I thought the term was now
special needs, not learning disabled... What? Oh yeah, Last Drop works
well, too."

In other news, the committee continues to look at dates. The current
dates for LDGGO play are set for February 5, 6, and 7. Although this
conflicts with the NFL's Super Bowl, many LDGGO competitors felt that
the historical precedent of playing on that weekend was important to
maintain. Said perennial runner up Randy Harris, "Tradition is
everything at the LDGGO. I mean, without tradition we're just a bunch
of guys going to play golf, drink a lot, and ogle Hootresses. Who wants
to see that?" The planning committee has confirmed the weekend of
February 5-7 with all but one of last year's competitors. When reached
for comment, the lone hold out, Chad Ice, released the following
statement through his agent, "Mr. Ice had no knowledge of or role in
the faking of Chris Brown's liver's death. He denies all allegations
and assures his fans that he is innocent of all charges. It would be
inappropriate to comment any further while the investigation is
ongoing."

Recent Images

2009-11-12T19:15:00.000-08:00

Recent Images

2009-11-07T22:23:00.000-08:00

Recent Images

2009-11-06T20:22:00.000-08:00

2009 Halloween

2009-11-04T17:30:00.000-08:00

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2009-10-13T18:56:00.000-07:00

Edinburgh Nightlife

2009-10-13T12:35:00.000-07:00

Doctor Who Exhibiton

2009-10-07T15:41:00.000-07:00

While one our trip to Glasgow, Scotland, I made Dr. Bray go with me to the Kelvingrove Art Gallery and Museum to see the Doctor Who Exhibition.

Recent Images

2009-10-04T04:56:00.000-07:00